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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23910373">and my body was bruised and I was set alight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouiseLouise/pseuds/LouiseLouise'>LouiseLouise</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buck gets punched during a fight, Firehouse 118 Family (9-1-1), Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Minor Violence, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Protective Maddie Buckley, The 118 get their shit together</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 19:21:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,094</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23910373</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouiseLouise/pseuds/LouiseLouise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Written for this Anon prompt on tumblr. I made some tiny changes to the premise, I really hope you like it.</i> </p>
<p>Post lawsuit Buck is on the outs with everyone. He tries to stay positive but he's losing hope. One night he's out in town when he sees May and a couple of her friends. When someone tries to steal May's purse, Buck is there in an instant to help, and ends up getting hurt. He takes May home and asks her not to say anything. Buck hides his injury from everyone, dreading the team’s reaction, until he passes out and almost dies in their arms. Hard truths and necessary conversations ensue.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Maddie Buckley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>417</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and my body was bruised and I was set alight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>An immense thank you to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToughPaperRound">ToughPaperRound</a>  for the amazing beta, the kindness and patience through it all, and to everyone on discord who supported me all along.<br/>All remaining mistakes are mine, and English still isn't my first language.</p>
<p>Title from Florence and the Machine, "Only If For A Night"</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Before joining the 118, Buck didn’t mind spending his days off and evenings on his own. He had friends and roommates if he wanted to be surrounded by people who enjoyed his company. He missed his sister, but there was nothing he could do to make her come back to him. Part of him longed for more but he never had the taste of it, never really knew what he was missing out on, so it was easy to deny missing it.</p>
<p>“<em>I think I’m in the right place</em>,” he said the day he met the team for the first time. And he was right, at least for a while.</p>
<p>Slowly he became a part of this big, messy, extended family, as Chim liked to called them. Maddie came back. He got closer to Eddie and Christopher day after day without even realizing how much they mattered. Soon enough, Buck started forgetting that nothing ever lasts forever.</p>
<p>The ladder truck made sure to remind him of that, crushing his leg, pushing him away from his team and his job. The possibility of losing everything that made him who he was took him by surprise, pushing him to fight with all he had to come back to them. </p>
<p>And now? Thanks to the lawsuit he's back on the job, but not back in his teammates’ hearts.</p>
<p>Now his life is quiet and his days are lonely. Maddie comes for coffee once in a while, and he fills his time with games and movies, but the silence is still a reminder that no one else is here for him. He practices his cooking skills on his own, because Bobby will probably never teach him any new recipes again. If he’s being honest, he’s never felt so isolated. Which is why when one of his former roommates reaches out on Facebook he gladly accepts the invitation to meet the old crew at a downtown bar.</p>
<p>It feels good, going out to meet people, even if they haven’t been his favourite people in a while. They welcome him back like he’s never left. They smile and he smiles back, for the first time in weeks. He missed having someone to talk to and as the night passes, he starts letting loose. Even if he stands out by refusing the beers they offer, because of the blood thinners and having his next shift start in just a few hours, he’s having a nice time, with people who don’t judge his every move. Who’re not waiting for him to fail again so they can push him away for good.</p>
<p>It’s still early when he leaves the bar, his head happily buzzing from the noise and the laughter and the conversations of the past hours, and he’s thankful he didn’t drive there because his mind feels suddenly too distracted to focus on driving. As he nears a crossroad, ready to order a ride to the station, he spots out a familiar face amongst the few passersby. He would wave but May seems busy with friends, and he’s not sure she’d want to talk to him anyway, not after everything that happened with Bobby. May is Bobby’s family now, while Buck is not anymore.</p>
<p>He gets back to his phone when he hears someone scream. He lifts his head to see May shouting that someone stole her purse, already running after the guy. Buck’s on the move in a second, his mind instantly back into focus, eyes on the girl and their moving target. He’s acting on instinct, his usual protectiveness mixing with some leftover SEAL training reflexes, rushing past May to reach the guy as he makes his way into a dark alley. </p>
<p>The man wastes precious seconds to look over his shoulder and check if he’s being followed, allowing Buck to catch up and tackle him. They both end on the ground. The impact hurts, but Buck doesn’t waste a second and grabs the man by the collar, pushing him up against a wall, pinning him with an arm across his neck, firm enough so the man can’t move, not too tight so he can still breathe.</p>
<p>“Give me the bag,” Buck orders, voice raw, hoping it’ll be enough to frighten the man.</p>
<p>The guy still tries to wiggle to escape his hold but Buck knows he’s not strong enough to compete with a trained firefighter, blood thinners or not. </p>
<p>May reaches them, panting. “You’re okay?” Buck asks her, maintaining his position, but turning slightly toward the girl to make sure she’s fine.</p>
<p>She nods, trying to catch her breath and for a second Buck thinks they’re safe now, until she looks down and shout. “Knife! Buck he has a--” </p>
<p>The man has let go of May’s purse to reach into his pocket and swings the weapon towards Buck, who loosens his hold on him to catch his wrist, stopping the hand before the knife can hurt Buck.</p>
<p>Buck lets go completely and takes a step back, hands up in front of him. He could beat the shit out of this man, he has the strength and the skills. It could all end right here. But May’s looking and there’s no way Buck would make her witness that kind of violence, not while he still has other options.</p>
<p>“You should take the purse and go,” he says, hoping this alternative will work, but the man in front of him grins.</p>
<p>“I’m the one with the knife, I get to decide what I do,” he replies, jabbing the knife in the air as if to show that he’s not bluffing before bending to pick up the purse where he dropped it.</p>
<p>“Move back, May,” Buck says without looking at the girl this time, keeping his eyes on the knife, on every little movement of the man, afraid he’ll hurt May in his escape. He hears her footsteps and when he judges she should be far away enough, he kicks his feet at his opponent, hitting his hand on first try and making him drop the knife. </p>
<p>Buck grits his teeth as he feels an electric shock coursing up his leg. The pain of the old injury pulses through his limb, reminding him of his weakness, whispering that Bobby might be right about him being a liability to the team.</p>
<p>He tries to push the thoughts away, to focus back on the man in front of him but his body screams in pain and he feels defenseless against the man’s attack, punching wherever his fists land on Buck’s body. Out of instinct Buck chooses to protect his head, leaving him unable to fight back. The man gathers all his anger and strength into one last punch into Buck’s abdomen, sending Buck to the ground, his legs giving up under him. The man looks down and grins, satisfied with the damage done, then he’s gone in a instant, leaving Buck and May alone in the alley.</p>
<p>“Buck?” May’s voice is shaking as she rushes towards him and helps him back to his feet. “You okay?”</p>
<p>He can barely breathe and he’s probably everything but okay, but May’s looking at him and he sees the worry on her face so he just sighs and nods. He takes her into a hug, holding her tight, as much to reassure her as to find comfort for himself. “How about you? Did he hurt you?”</p>
<p>May shakes her head no.</p>
<p>“Okay, good. Let’s take you home then, okay?”</p>
<p>It’s a quick and silent ride to the Grant Nash house, with May still processing the events of the evening and Buck breathing as slowly as he can to keep the pain at bay and not show anything so she won’t worry for nothing. Sure, his body aches from where he’s been hurt but he’s been through worse before, he can handle a little plain.</p>
<p>“I need to head to work,” he says, as the car parks in front of house. “Are you gonna be okay?”</p>
<p>She nods.</p>
<p>“Could you--” he pauses, not sure he should ask that next question. He never liked lying, not on purpose anyway but he’d rather skip the lecture from Bobby about being reckless and acting like a dumb kid, doesn’t need Athena’s eyes glaring because going after this guy could have ended up with worse than just a stolen purse. “Could you not tell anyone I was there tonight?”</p>
<p>May nods and he smiles, relieved she didn’t ask him why. She hugs him tightly before getting out of the car. “Thank you, Buck.” She waves and closes the door and he waits until she’s inside to tell the driver to leave.</p>
<p>The ride ends at a gas station near the firehouse and Buck goes straight to the bathrooms to check how he looks, to make sure the bruises don’t show and his clothes are as neat as possible. He’ll do anything to avoid giving people reasons to comment on how scruffy he looks and remind him how unworthy he is of being with the 118.</p>
<p>The reflection in the mirror looks like his usual self, and he knows once he puts on the uniform and some gel in his hair, it’s going to seem like any ordinary day on the job. None of his teammates is going to look past the appearance anyway. </p>
<p>He should've asked for a transfer, to start fresh with new coworkers. A clean slate. But when he was allowed to come back he had hopes that things would get better. Now with his leg hurting again, no other firehouse would ever want him, so he has no choice but to suck it up. </p>
<p>The pain is stronger than he’d like though, and as soon as he closes the stall door behind him, shying away from the outside world with no one to see him or judge him, it comes rushing in a giant wave, his breath short and his legs shaking. </p>
<p><em>Just inhale and count to ten</em>, he tells himself. <em>Feel the air flowing in. Exhale, count to ten again. Let the air and the panic out. Inhale, count to ten. Exhale… again</em>. <em>And again</em>. Again, until his brain understands that it needs to ignore how his skin aches where the bruises are spreading and how his chest burns like fire. He can’t call in sick, not when everyone already doubts his ability to be part of the team. Not when he’s starting to doubt that he’s strong enough to be part of the team. He needs to make it through this one shift and then if it still hurts, he’ll have time to see a doctor, far from anyone’s eyes. </p>
<p>He’s been through worse, he repeats silently as he finally makes his way to the firehouse. He can handle pain for 48 hours.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“New tattoo?” Chim asks. </p>
<p>They’re packing up the tools they just used on a car accident, their first call of the night when Chim notices what Buck had forgotten, the stamp from the bar placed on his wrist. </p>
<p>“<em>Free refills for non-alcoholic drinks tonight</em>,” the bartender has said and Buck believed for a moment that maybe this was his lucky day. He wasn’t planning on driving but he wasn’t planning on drinking either, not with the blood thinners and certainly not right before a shift so he let them put the temporary ink on his skin.</p>
<p>“More like a bar stamp,” Hen chimes in, grabbing Buck’s hand to get a closer look.</p>
<p>He doesn’t understand their sudden interest, and honestly it’s making him uncomfortable to be in the spotlight like that.</p>
<p>“Did you seriously go to a bar before our shift?” Eddie says, voice sharp and loaded with disdain. Though the words and the tone feel like a cut, they do match the new dynamic of the team towards him, much better than Chim and Hen's faked interest. At least Buck knows how to react to that. </p>
<p>“Why do you care?” It’s addressed to everyone, but Eddie seems to take it for himself.</p>
<p>“I don’t, you’re right. Unless your behavior puts the team and the people we’re here to rescue in danger, then it becomes my business.”</p>
<p>Bobby calls them all to wrap it up so they can leave the scene and go back to the station, cutting the discussion short, and Buck hopes Eddie will leave it at that.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Buckley, in my office now,” Bobby calls once the trucks are parked in the bay and everyone’s gear is ready for the next call. Buck sees Eddie stepping out of the office and he knows instantly that Eddie did not actually leave it at that.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>The kid is going to be the death of him, Bobby knows that. It’s two steps forward and one step back with Buck, has been since day one and maybe today’s the day Bobby finally admits he was wrong having faith in Evan Buckley in the first place.</p>
<p>“Drinking before a shift, Buck? That’s how you’re doing things now?” Bobby says and he knows, he knows that Buck understands how much it pains him, to see the young man go through the same path Bobby got lost on years ago. Buck was there the last time Bobby relapsed and part of him thought, expected, it would serve as an example for how to not live your life, even in the hardest times.</p>
<p>He hands out the breathalyzer without a word and the kid doesn’t even protest, like he’s already admitting to making a mistake. Except the results take Bobby aback. Not a drop of alcohol in his system. </p>
<p>Buck is back on his feet and out of the door before Bobby can say anything, can even figure out how to apologize for assuming the worst.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>After that, the 118 gets back-to-back calls, a few hours where Buck doesn’t have time to think about the pain, about his captain not trusting him to come to work sober. He tries to ignore how Bobby, even with full proof that Buck didn’t drink, chooses Eddie to take the lead on every mission they’re called to, leaving Buck behind as much as he can. </p>
<p>It’s frustrating at first but the more it happens, the more he starts to relax and appreciate not having to think too much about what he’s doing. Buck used to lack discipline but it’s surprising how peaceful it can be to just follow the others and not question anything. His mind can rest while his muscles do the work, like they do everyday. His body moves on autopilot and he could almost do this with his eyes closed. And he really really would love to keep his eyes closed and let sleep take him. He only closes them in between calls though, lets his muscles get some rest and his mind drift away when they hop back in the truck. He lays back his head and drowses 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there on the way from the firehouse and back. </p>
<p>His entire body is so sore he barely feels the pain anymore, just a fading memory with only bruises to tell the story. He just needs to make it through this shift, and then he’ll get to sleep for two days straight. </p>
<p>He’s done it before, he can do it again.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>The team gets back to the station and Eddie’s very tempted to leave Buck asleep in the truck, let everyone see how he can’t be trusted on the job, that Bobby’s right to still doubt him. Though Bobby cleared Buck for duty after Eddie reported he might have spend the evening drinking, the man just slept through half the night and Eddie’s furious that Buck is once again getting away with his stupid behavior.</p>
<p>He shouldn’t be as angry as he is, he’s aware of that, but something inside his chest won’t give in, won’t let him try to make peace with Buck. The tightness in his throat everytime he looks at the man he used to call his best friend keeps the words trapped inside.</p>
<p><em>I’m sorry I yelled at you,</em> he wants to say. <em>You weren't there and I missed you, and I thought you were abandoning me. I hated you the way I hate me, for leaving without a warning. </em></p>
<p>
  <em>I know you were scared of losing everything. Of being left behind. I know I proved you right. I wasn't there for you. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You don’t know how much I missed you. How much I still do.</em>
</p>
<p>He just wants to scream at Buck but he keeps his mouth shut, because deep down he knows what he really wants is to scream at himself for making things worse between them. Being angry is easier than making the first move towards mending their friendship, and Eddie knows he’s being unfair so the least he can do is wake up Buck before the team notices.</p>
<p>He squeezes Buck’s shoulder but the man doesn’t move. He shakes a little harder and when he still doesn’t get a reaction, worry settles in Eddie’s gut. “Buck? Come on man wake up,” he says, hands cupping Buck’s face, feeling the cold skin under his fingers. </p>
<p>“I need help here,” he calls, knowing Chim and Hen are not far, panic starting to rise in his chest. Five seconds ago he wanted to scream at Buck. Now he just wants to scream, checking for a pulse he can’t find.</p>
<p> “Don’t do this to me Buck, come on,” he pleads as he continues assessing him like he’s done hundreds of times before on the job. But all those times were with strangers and Eddie finds it’s not the same when the person under you is wearing your friend’s face.</p>
<p>“Move, Diaz,” Hen says, her voice steady and firm, prompting Eddie to snap out of his thoughts and give her room to do her job. Chim brings the gurney, waiting for Bobby to join them before they all lift Buck out of the truck.</p>
<p>Buck’s still unconscious and Eddie feels useless, the terror of losing him suffocating him. He feel the tears running down his face but couldn’t be bothered to wipe them off. This can’t be happening, not now, not before Eddie figures out how to get Buck back in his life again, not with all the things left unsaid between them. He can’t lose him this way.</p>
<p>“I have a pulse,” Hen says after what feels like an hour, relief seeping through her voice. Without thinking, Eddie leans forward to press his fingers on Buck’s neck, moved by the urge to be sure, to feel it for himself.</p>
<p>The pulse is weak under his fingertips but it’s there and Eddie lets out the breath he was holding. He’s got another chance to make things right now, he’s got time, to tell Buck how he feels.</p>
<p>The ride to the hospital seems way too long but Eddie holds on to the tiniest hope, that everything can get back to how they were.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“What happened?” Maddie asks, her eyes visibly red from having been crying. </p>
<p>“<em>Your brother is in intensive care,</em>” someone from the hospital said, explaining what the doctors knew, giving details she understood but could barely believe, and she’s been replaying the words in her head ever since. Now she’s standing in the waiting room, her brother’s team around her, avoiding her gaze.</p>
<p>None of them can answer because the truth is, they have no idea what happened to Buck that would explain the bruises found on his body, the fainting or the internal bleeding the doctors talked about when they came to update them on their teammate’s health. </p>
<p>“I don’t understand, you’ve been with him all night, how come none of you know?” They can hear anger building in Maddie’s voice, slowly mixing with her fear, and they know they deserve it and more.</p>
<p>“We haven’t really been talking lately,” Hen says at the same time Chim starts speaking.</p>
<p>“He was at a bar earlier, maybe--” he says.</p>
<p>Maddie shakes her head in disbelief. “At a bar? Before a shift? That doesn’t sound like Buck.”</p>
<p>“We know he didn’t drink,’ Bobby explains, “but maybe he got into a fight?”</p>
<p>Hen nods. “And with the blood thinners…”</p>
<p>Maddie shakes her head again. “Buck may be a lot of things but he’s not the type to get into a bar fight. He doesn’t fight with his fists.”</p>
<p>Eddie feels a knot in his guts as he hears her say that, guilt and shame strangling him from within. He’s the one who uses his fists, though no one knows. He’s the one with purple skin and yellow bruises he earned in a makeshift fighting ring, the one whose luck has kept him from ending up in an hospital like Buck is right now. Seeing those same marks on Buck’s skin when they were taking care of him left him wondering, for a minute, if his friend hadn’t found the same cathartic outlet he did. </p>
<p>But Eddie knows Maddie’s right, Buck wouldn’t do that. He can’t think of any other reasons to explain why the man is in surgery instead of on his own two feet, helping rescue strangers like he does everyday, but he knows Buck wouldn’t be reckless enough to pick a fight.</p>
<p>“I guess we’ll have to wait for the police to do their job and find witnesses who actually paid attention to my brother.” Maddie looks at them, one by one, only seeing guilt on their faces.</p>
<p>“Now, who wants to tell me what you meant by <em>we haven’t really been talking, lately</em>?” </p>
<p>Chim takes her hand, looking for the right words. He wants to believe he shouldn’t say anything because she doesn’t need more reasons to worry and he’s protecting her by keeping it from her, but it’d be a lie. He’s just afraid of what she’s going to think of them, of him, once she finds out they’ve been shunning her brother from the team since he got reinstated after the lawsuit.</p>
<p>None of them is ready to admit they’re the bad guys here, but Maddie’s not going to let this slide and maybe now is their chance to start making things right.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Maddie listens to Chim in silence, her face slowly falling as she hears how harsh the team has been with her brother those past weeks, how lonely he really was. How hypocritical it is of all of them to be in this waiting room when they couldn’t care less about him. </p>
<p>“He sued us, Maddie, that’s not easy to forgive,” Chim says. His voice is low, hesitant. The confrontation with that lawyer is still vivid in his mind. Even if he can admit that those accusations made sense somehow, he and the team have been following their Captain’s lead in keeping Buck away from them, and Bobby didn’t seem ready to let go of his grudge. </p>
<p>Eddie clears his throat, trying to tone down the resentment in his voice. “You should’ve heard the things his lawyer used against us, that wasn’t playing fair.” </p>
<p>“So those things, they were lies?” Maddie has a defiant look on her face and Eddie averts his eyes. “Oh, did you think Buck wouldn’t tell me? You’re judging him for wanting his job back but the truth is what he was really scared to lose is his family, it’s all of you. You all mean the world to him yet you have no idea what he went through. And while you were busy moving on with your lives and blaming him for everything, my baby brother was sobbing in my arms telling me how much he regretted starting that lawsuit, how afraid he was that you’d never forgive him. And I told him that you’d never do that, that you cared about him enough to understand. But I guess he was right.”</p>
<p>Chim closes his eyes, knowing perfectly well that his girlfriend is right about everything. “I’m sorry Maddie.”</p>
<p>“You never even tried to understand him, or asked him why he did all this, did you? Any of you?”</p>
<p>The silence in the room tells her everything she needs to know.</p>
<p>“I don’t want any of you here,” Maddie finally says. She pushes away Chim’s hand and takes a step back, looking at the people around her, the people who were supposed to watch out for her brother, the ones who turned their backs on him when he needed them the most, and if looks could kill they’d be reduced to ashes. “You can leave now. Go back to putting out fires and lying to yourselves about how much you care about him.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Still at the hospital?” Athena asks when Bobby calls her. </p>
<p>“Well he’s out of surgery now and.. listen I know it’s not very useful to stay here but--,” he sighs, “but I can’t leave him. I just-- I can’t.” </p>
<p>Bobby knows it’ll probably take a long time before Buck wakes up, and he might not even want Bobby to be here, but he can’t just walk away from him, not again, not this time. This time he needs to be there, and trust Buck to come back to them.</p>
<p>He doesn’t mention how the team didn’t really have a choice in staying or leaving, how he stayed but at a distance. He doesn’t tell Athena how Maddie shouted at everyone after realizing how cruel and insensitive they’d been with her brother. No one could blame her for that, but honestly Bobby’s not ready to come clean to Athena about how he's treated Buck since the lawsuit. He knows how she’d react, how much she loves the kid despite everything.</p>
<p>“Bobby you know it’s not your fault the kid got into some trouble, right? Our Buckaroo is perfectly capable of doing that on his own.” She smiles, thinking back on the stupid things Buck’s done in the past, but it’s a sad smile, full of fear of losing the him. He might be trouble but he’s also a kind soul who doesn’t deserve that fate, no matter how much he hurt her husband and his team in the past. “I’ll tell May and Harry when they’re back from school, maybe we can come by later and bring you some decent food?”</p>
<p>Bobby smiles at the thought of that. “Sounds perfect.” It’s going to be a long day waiting for Buck to wake up, and he could do with the support of his family. And decent food.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Please don’t give up, okay?” Maddie begs, holding her brother’s hand. “I know you’re hurt, and you feel like you’re alone in this, but I’m here, Buck. I’m not going anywhere until you wake up, okay?” Her voice is broken by sobs, tears running down her cheeks. She presses a kiss to Buck’s hand and closes her eyes. </p>
<p><em>You need to have patience, and faith</em>, the doctors said. </p>
<p>Her heart is full of both when it comes to Buck, but she knows better than to rely too much on hope. She’d seen too many patients with good prognoses falter away when she was a nurse, too many families crushed by the darkness they weren’t expecting. Her brother is strong and stubborn but those aren’t always enough to survive.</p>
<p>She settles on the chair beside the bed, not letting go of Buck’s hand. “I’m gonna stay right here with you, I promise I’m never leaving you again.” </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>May follows her mom into the hospital hallways until they reach a waiting room and she sees Bobby standing in front of the coffee machine, his hand hovering over the menu on the side. He seems lost in his thoughts and startles when Athena walks up to him, putting a hand on his to stop him from pushing coins in.</p>
<p>“You’re not that desperate.” Athena has a soft smile on her lips and coffee cups in a bag and Bobby smiles back to her, before noticing May beside them.</p>
<p>“It’s nice of you two to be here,” he says.</p>
<p>May dreads the moment he understands why she’s here, the moment his smile fades and he has to focus to not shout at her. Bobby’s always been kind, never the type to raise his voice but this is not just a homework she didn’t complete or a lunch she missed to see a movie with her friends. There’s a man whose life is at stake because of her, a man she knows, a man Bobby cares about, who might not recover because of her and maybe this time Bobby won’t be able to stay nice, let alone forgive her.</p>
<p>“May has something she needs to share,” Athena says and May already sees the concern on Bobby’s face.</p>
<p>“It’s my fault,” she blurts out, and the moment she opens her mouth tears start falling down along the words, “it’s all my fault.” She'd started crying when her mom told them Buck was in the hospital, breaking down trying to explain how Buck saved her, how she was the reason he got hurt. She cried in silence on the way to the hospital and now that she’s standing in front of Bobby, nothing can hold back the sobs.</p>
<p>Bobby frowns and moves to hug her. “May? You weren’t there, how can it be your fault?”</p>
<p>“I was there, Bobby, I was and-- I’m so sorry, I should’ve--”</p>
<p>“Baby,” Athena says,” why don’t we go see if Maddie’s awake, so you can tell your story like you told me, okay?”</p>
<p>Her mom is so calm but May recognizes the façade. She’s dealing with the whole situation like she would any other emergency call, and if she hasn’t mentioned any punishment yet, May’s sure it’ll come later. She deserves it, and more, but part of her wishes her mom would just get angry and shout.</p>
<p>May can’t help but stare at Buck, looking so vulnerable asleep in that bed, such a contrast to the man who fought to protect her less than 24 hours ago. He doesn’t move when they enter the room and Athena leans in to put a hand on Maddie’s shoulder, gently waking her up.</p>
<p>“Athena, hey.” Maddie smiles and lets Athena pull her into a hug.</p>
<p>“It’s my fault,” May blurts out before her mom can ease Maddie into what she’s about to say.</p>
<p>“Just breathe, baby,” Athena says, making her sit down next to Maddie. </p>
<p>Maddie frowns but waits in silence for the young girl to continue speaking.</p>
<p>“I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t supposed to go out last night but there was this band in town and I thought I could just--, I thought…” She closes her eyes for a second, and breathes slowly. She needs to tell the whole story, Maddie deserves to hear it from her. “But when we got out, a man tried to grab my purse and--” she tries to go on speaking but the tears win. </p>
<p>“Your brother was there and he saw everything,” Athena takes over and May’s grateful for that, even though she needs to take responsibility for this. “He tried to catch the man but apparently he received a few bad punches in the fight.”</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” is the first thing Maddie asks. May nods, surprised by the woman’s concern. “That would explain the bruises, and everything,” Maddie then says, turning back towards the bed to squeeze her brother’s hand.</p>
<p>She seems calm, in a way May didn’t expect. Not as calm as Athena but she just shakes her head like this information doesn’t change anything. Somehow being around the two women helps May calm down too.</p>
<p>“I should’ve said something. I should’ve, but I was selfish and I didn’t want to be grounded and then Buck said he was fine and I really wanted to believe him. But now he’s hurt and it’s my fault.” She wipes the tears from her cheeks and feels her mother’s arms around her, whispering that it's okay, that it’s going to be okay and she wishes she could just trust her but...</p>
<p>“May, May,” Maddie’s voice is so soft. May still expects her to shout and be angry but she’s taking her hands gently and there’s a small smile on her lips. “Sweetie, it’s not your fault that Buck got hurt, he would never want you to think that way, okay? He helped you because that’s what he does, and you’re not responsible for being attacked, okay?”</p>
<p>“Yes but--”</p>
<p>Maddie shakes her head. “Listen, I’m sure your mom is gonna have a talk with you later about the whole going out on a school day thing,” she smiles, “but you can’t blame yourself for what happened to my brother.”</p>
<p>“Maddie’s right. It’s not your fault, May, it’s mine,” Bobby says, surprising the three of them. Athena frowns at him, waiting for an explanation. “It’s my fault Buck came to work while he was hurting instead of going to a hospital. And it’s my fault he didn’t say anything to anyone.”</p>
<p>Athena stands up, holding out a hand for May to grab. “I think we should wait outside for a while.” She turns to Bobby, “we’re gonna talk about that later.” It’s not a question and May doesn’t know why but Bobby seems to be in as much trouble as she is.</p>
<p>May turns towards Maddie. “Can you tell him I’m sorry, please?”</p>
<p>Maddie nods. “I know he’ll understand, sweetie.”</p>
<p>May steps out of the room and follows her mother back to the waiting room, hoping the next thing they hear from Maddie is that Buck’s finally awake.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“I did everything wrong, Maddie.”</p>
<p>After half the night at work and the other half in the hospital waiting for updates on Buck’s surgery, Bobby spent the day replaying their shift on a loop trying to figure out what went wrong, what signs he missed that should’ve alerted him sooner on the young man’s health. </p>
<p>He knows he hasn’t been paying much attention to his youngest recruit lately, that a part of him is still bitter about the lawsuit. He won’t admit it to anyone but he understands why Buck fought so hard to come back. Bobby knows first hand that this job can be your only lifeline. He knows that Buck’s always had his place on the team but somehow being forced by lawyers and his own boss to acknowledge that the kid was right to file that lawsuit put a dent in Bobby’s pride. </p>
<p>“If I’d welcomed him back into the team like I should’ve, he would’ve gone straight to a hospital and he would’ve gotten the care he needed.” Bobby sits down in the chair May left empty, looking at his hand to avoid Maddie’s glance. “Instead, he probably thought we wouldn’t care or worse, that I’d judge him for skipping work. So he hid his injuries from everyone.” He’s holding back his tears but the ugly feeling in his heart is taking root and he knows he’s got a long road ahead of him to gain back Buck’s trust, when he wakes up.</p>
<p>He lifts his head, keeping his eyes on Buck. “I hope you both can forgive me one day.” </p>
<p>Maddie snorts. “You know he’s gonna forgive you the minute he gets back on the team, whether you deserve it or not, right?”</p>
<p>Bobby nods. He’s not sure this time Buck will be able to forgive any of them, but he’s accepted so much so far, Maddie’s probably right.</p>
<p>“But I won’t.” She’s glaring at him, finding the courage to stand up for her brother despite her exhaustion, head high and stare murderous. </p>
<p>Bobby nods again. “I’ll do everything to earn his trust back and protect him, I promise you. And I will promise him, when he wakes up.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Everything hurts. Buck hasn’t even opened his eyes yet but he knows exactly where he is, from the smell and the discreet beeping of the machine monitoring his heartbeat.</p>
<p>Everything hurts inside but the fact that he’s once again in a hospital bed, when he’s supposed to be working, hurts even more. Another day, another failure.</p>
<p>He can feel someone holding his hand and he’d love to know who’s by his side but he’s not ready to open his eyes yet, it’s too bright out there and his eyelids are too heavy. He can move his fingers a little though, let them know he’s there, alive, almost awake.</p>
<p>He moves his fingers and feels a shift on the bed, someone sitting beside him probably. He hears a sob in their voice. “Hey,” the voice says. Maddie’s voice, his favorite comforting sound. Maddie’s here. His sister’s here, he’s not alone anymore. Something relaxes in his chest, telling him he’s going to be fine.</p>
<p>“Drink,” she says, firm and gentle at the same time. She brings a straw to his mouth and he sips on it before she takes it away. “How are you feeling?” </p>
<p>He can hear in her voice how tired she is, can only imagine how scared she must’ve been, and it’s his fault, it’s always his fault. </p>
<p>‘I’m sorry,” is all that comes to his mind. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”</p>
<p>She presses a kiss to his temple. “I know you didn’t, Ev, I know, no one is blaming you okay? May told us, about the fight.”</p>
<p>Buck winces thinking about that man in the alley, how frightened May looked, and his fists punching him. “Is she okay?”</p>
<p>Maddie sighs. “She's fine, Buck. She's fine because you protected her, my little brother, always protecting others. She's still in the waiting room with Bobby, she wanted to make sure you were okay too. I’ll go tell them that you’re awake, but I need to find a doctor to come and see you first.”</p>
<p>“Bobby’s here?”</p>
<p>There’s a silence and Buck tries to open his eyes to see his sister, to see why she’s not answering when her hand is still on his. </p>
<p>“Maddie?”</p>
<p>She’s kind of blurry, his eyes not really ready yet to see more than shapes. </p>
<p>“What’s wrong?”</p>
<p>“Nothing,” she smiles but even through the blur Buck knows that smile, knows how fake it is, how good she is at hiding her feelings, but he doesn’t call her out, not after everything he’s put her through. “I’m just gonna leave for a minute now, but I'm coming back, okay?”</p>
<p>He nods and watches her leave the room, his eyes closing again. Sleep feels like a good option right now. He can figure out later why Bobby’s here when he’s spent the past weeks ignoring him.</p>
<p>Maybe this time his Captain is going to get rid of him for good, for acting like a reckless punk again. </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Buck’s in and out of consciousness for a while, never fully awake for very long. The doctors advise against too many visitors and Buck snorts. He doesn’t expect anyone to be there for him anyway. </p>
<p>He doesn’t see Bobby, starts to think he imagined Maddie saying his Captain was there.</p>
<p>May’s the only one to visit. She starts crying the second she passes the door and Buck puts all his energy in opening his arm to offer her a hug. </p>
<p>“It’s not your fault,” he says. He knows she doesn’t really believe him, not yet. He makes a mental note to talk with her again, once he can hold a conversation for more than two minutes at a time.</p>
<p>- </p>
<p>“You’re coming home with me,” Maddie says a few days later, though he’s not sure how long it’s truly been.</p>
<p>Buck doesn’t question her, he’s too tired and too lonely to argue in favor of going back to his apartment.</p>
<p>Plus it's nice to have her around more than usual. She's his family and he missed spending time with her, more time than just the occasional dinner or karaoke. Karaoke nights are an old memory anyway, back when his team was his family too.</p>
<p>He doesn't expect them to show up on her doorstep. </p>
<p>“I know how they treated you, Ev,” Maddie tells him. It’s morning, her place is filled with sunshine and Buck feels fine just sitting here with her, enjoying a calm breakfast. He should’ve known better than to expect they'd never talk about it again, about the hospital and the team. She knows so well how keeping those things to yourself can only end up with pain.</p>
<p>“You should’ve seen their faces, in that waiting room, suddenly regretting bullying you just because you’d been hurt. Pretending they cared. I still can’t believe you let them treat you like this.”</p>
<p>Buck knows she’s right. That he didn't deserve being pushed away. Ignored. His brain knows. But his heart can’t feel it. Can’t believe it. His heart still feels that they were right to act that way. That nothing's going to change.</p>
<p>So he doesn’t expect them to show up. But they do. One by one, they show up, after a shift or on a day off. They each get a glare from Maddie and Buck is thankful for that, for her standing up for him. </p>
<p>Every time she asks Buck if he's okay with the visitor, and everytime Buck nods for her to let them in. He’s not sure he wants to hear whatever they have to say, but deep down he still believes in second chances, so he gives them that. He gives them what they denied him.</p>
<p>There’s no way to erase how they treated him, or undo the damages they caused. But if Buck has to choose between severing all ties for good and trying to make it work again, he's going to choose hope. Hope that they can learn from their mistakes and mend their relationship. Hope that he gets his family back, because despite everything, it would be worse not to have them in his life at all.</p>
<p>So he lets them in, once again, because that’s what family is.</p>
<p>“I'm sorry, Bobby says. "I kept seeing you as the kid who stole the ladder truck to fool around, and I overlooked how much you've grown since then. Your lawyer was right and it hurt my pride, and then I let my pride dictate my actions. I’ll earn back your trust, if you let me.” He’s sitting in front of Buck, shoulders tense, doing his best to look Buck in the eye, to make sure the young man knows he means what he’s saying. “Once you're back with us, I promise you we’ll have your back for good. And before that, we’re here, if you need anything. I’m here. I’m sorry I wasn’t.”</p>
<p><em>Once you’re back with us</em>. The words keep turning in Buck’s mind, comforting, alongside <em>I'm sorry</em>. It’s not just a promise that Bobby made. His job is safe, the Chief called to tell Buck personally. They’re not even replacing him with anyone while he recovers, this time.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Hey, we were good just Bobby, you and me when Chim was out, remember?” Hen jokes. “We don’t want anyone else.” She visits alone the first time, taking the time to voice her regrets, letting Buck talk as much as he needs to. She brings Karen the next time, and the dinner is full of laughter and old stories about Hen and Buck’s early days with the team. </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Man you have to come back soon,” Chim says after they’re done with the apologies, “Bobby’s trying to teach me how to cook but he’s losing patience in record time, I don’t know how you handled it.”</p>
<p>Buck laughs, picturing Bobby and Chim sharing the kitchen. It brings back happy memories from before, and he feels like he’s starting to be part of the family again. He can let himself hope that things will go back to normal and he’ll be with them again, right where he belongs.</p>
<p>“It’s good to hear you laugh, Buckaroo,” Chim says, grinning, and it makes Buck smile even more.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“I know my idiot husband apologized already, but we wanted to come too,” Athena says when she walks through the door.</p>
<p>She brings May, giant drinks and a box of donuts from her favorite place. She hugs him first and it’s surprisingly one of the best hugs he’s ever received. She only lets go so May can hold him in turn, before apologizing again to Buck. He has to refrain from stopping her because he knows she needs it, but he makes sure she finally believes that none of what happened to him was her fault.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“It was nice seeing them,” Maddie says, smiling, when she and Buck are alone again.</p>
<p>Maddie smiling is making Buck happy. She’s been so worried about him and angry at the team those past weeks that he wasn’t sure she’d find her smile again.</p>
<p>“All of them?” Buck asks.</p>
<p>Maddie shrugs. </p>
<p>“Do you think you can forgive them all, then?” </p>
<p>She sighs. “For you, I can,” she says.</p>
<p>It's starting to feel like family again. Almost.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Eddie knocks on Maddie’s door only a few days before Buck goes back to work, when Buck had almost given all hope that the man would ever show up.</p>
<p>Days without seeing him and Buck was close to thinking that Eddie couldn’t care less about what happened to Buck, that there was nothing left to save between them. <em>Maybe it would be easier this way</em>, he thought for a second. Back to being just coworkers. After all, the words Eddie threw at his face were still resonating in his mind, still hurting.</p>
<p>Maybe they’d be better as just coworkers. Just because Buck values their friendship and hopes they can mend it, doesn’t mean Eddie feels the same.</p>
<p>But he’s here, knocking on Maddie’s door, so Buck starts hoping again.</p>
<p>“I’m leaving you two alone, but if you need me…” she trails off. Buck nods and leads Eddie into the living room, watching his sister leave them reluctantly. She’s not as quick to forgive as he is, but she’s not the one having to face loneliness like Buck has either.</p>
<p>They sit in silence for a while, a long and awkward silence where everything that went wrong between them seems to float around the room, waiting to see which direction they’re going to take. Mending, or breaking their relationship.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry it took you almost dying again for me to be there for you,” Eddie finally says. He opens and closes his mouth several time, like he wants to add something else, but nothing comes out.</p>
<p>It’s not the apology Buck needs, he knows that. It’s not Eddie regretting calling him exhausting and refusing to see his side of the story. Refusing to understand how nothing could’ve replaced this job, why Buck needed to fight for it with every weapon he had. It’s not Eddie apologizing for accusing Buck of not being there for Christopher when Buck had no way to know that the kid missed him.</p>
<p>But it’s still Eddie telling him that he’s here, wanting to build something again, together. Buck knows those past months have been hard on his friend too. That behind the façade, there’s pain and grief. That somehow, they’re both fighting to find their way back to some kind of normalcy and Buck can’t blame Eddie for protecting his own heart in the process.</p>
<p>If Buck overshares sometimes, Eddie’s the opposite, keeping everything bottled up, out of pride and fear that the slightest crack in his armor will make his entire self start crumbling down. A crack like admitting too soon that he was wrong and Buck was right. That all his mistakes are haunting him to the point of picking fights with his friend, just to let out the anger.</p>
<p>Buck wishes he could call Eddie out on his intentions right now, demand the apology he deserves. But he sees the risk of what sounds like an ultimatum. He sees Eddie never coming back to him, and out of all the things Buck can handle, a life without Eddie is not one of them.</p>
<p>“You’re here now,” Buck says. Because he understands what makes Eddie <em>Eddie</em>, and that for now, his friend can’t have his back, even if he wants to. That for now, Buck needs to be the one with enough patience and hope for the both of them. Eddie’s here with Buck now, when he could’ve stayed away. That’s not nothing.</p>
<p>They may have a long road ahead of them to find balance again, to have each other’s back again. But for now, Buck can be happy just knowing he’s not alone anymore. That his family is waiting for him to come back.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading this story!<br/>This story can be found and reblogged on tumblr <a href="https://theladyandthewolves.tumblr.com/post/616743541856665600/fic-and-my-body-was-bruised-and-i-was-set-alight">here</a><a>.</a><br/>Like always, I keep every kudos, emoji and comment close to my heart ♥</p></blockquote></div></div>
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